Hope and hopeless
by merdreamy
Summary: This is a fanfic from the episode 5x17 – I will follow you into the dark, where Derek runs to live in the wood, gets drunk and grows a bear. Meredith have gone to visit him, but he yelled at her and told her to leave. MerDer fanfic.


Hope and hopeless

 **This is a fanfic from the episode 5x17 – I will follow you into the dark, where Derek runs to live in the wood, gets drunk and grows a bear. Meredith have gone to visit him, but he yelled at her and told her to leave.**

 **Originally planned to be an au for my greys Instagram account, but au's are very time consuming and I suck at them, so I just thought to make it as a fanfic instead.**

 **The first chapter is mainly just a rewrite of what actually happened in the scene in the woods, but it gets original in the next chapters.**

"You cleaned all of your clothes out of the closet at house…" Meredith said carefully, walking up towards Derek.

His eyes looked dark. There were empty beer cans all around the trailer. He had grown a beard, his hair was a mess and his clothes were filled with beerstains. He was angrily hitting empty cans out in the wood with a baseball bat.

"Go home, Meredith. Just go home." Derek answered her as he turned around towards her. She could still see blood in his face from the beating he had took from Mark.

"Well, how long are you planning on hiding out here?" Meredith tried. "Because that's what your doing. Your hiding. You made a mistake. Jen is dead. We are doctors, that happens. You can't hide from that".

Derek looked at her aggressively. "I'm not hiding. I'm done. I'm done operating." He said while hitting another can with his bat.

"Oh, okay, so your just quitting?" Meredith asked, looking frustrated at him.

Derek mumbled as the alcohol had taken control over his mouth. "You should understand better than anybody else. You wrote a book on quitting, running, hiding…" he started as he walked to the porch of the trailer to grab another beer.

"You have written a lot of books, Meredith!"

"That may be true." Meredith started, recalling to her struggles in the past. "But I'm here now." She continued.

Derek laughed at her. "You're here now?" he walked up to her with darkness in his eyes. "You have wanted me out since the day I moved in!"

"That is not true…" Meredith tried.

"You are incapable of anything that resembles commitment!" Derek came closer. "You lied to me. You said you were healthier, that you were healed." He referred to her working out all of issues in therapy.

With a mother who never wanted her and a father who abounded her when she was a child it was not uncommon to have intimacy issues and struggles with commitment. She had not been ready to be with Derek. Not the same way he was. But she wanted to. All she wanted was to be with him. Therefore, she had gone to therapy. She wanted to be better for him. She wanted to give him what he wanted from her. Marriage, house and kids scared the crap out of her, but she was now willing and ready to do it all to be with Derek. Because he was the love of her life.

"There is no fixing you!" Derek yelled. "You're a lemon!"

"Derek Shepherd, you are drunk!" Meredith said back, knowing he didn't really mean what he was saying. It was the alcohol talking. "And you're angry…" she continued. "And I've been there so I get it, but that does not give you the right to…"

"Just go home, Meredith." Derek interrupted her.

"You don't get to just stand here and tell me…" she tried to explain before he interrupted her again.

"This is what you want, I'm giving you an out. Go!"

Meredith shook her head at him. "I'm not going anywhere!"

Derek was getting angry. "I said leave! Meredith, leave!"

She was running out of things to say. She had never seen him this angry before. She didn't really want to come out here in the first place. She thought he just might need some space. She had done it for he chief.

Meredith looked at him. Uncertain if she should say it or not. "I know there's a ring..." she started. "The chief told me." She referred to a conversation she had with Richard earlier this evening. He told her that Derek was planning to propose. He had been carrying around a big ring for weeks.

His face froze. He had gotten the ring from his mother when she was visiting. She told Derek that he needed Meredith in his life. That she was the one for him. He knew she was right. They had already been engaged now if it had not for Addison's brother getting parasites in his brain.

He looked at Meredith. She looked… scared. And unsure. He felt bad for her. For his behavior. She didn't deserve this. Yet, he couldn't help himself. His whole body was controlled by anger.

He pulled out the engagement ring from his pocket and showed it to her. "You want the ring?" He asked, still with darkness in his eyes. "Here's your ring!" he said, pulling up the baseball bat and hitting the ring with it out in the woods.

He threw the baseball bat toward her and slammed the door hard when he went inside the trailer.

"Is that the best you've got? Cause I'm not bailing, we're in this together!" Meredith yelled at him, trying to make him understand that she was there for him. She just wanted to help.

"Go home, Meredith!" Derek screamed from the inside of the trailer. Meredith shook her head and went towards her car. Derek was filled with anger and anxiety over what he just had done. His pulse went rapid. What had he done?


End file.
